


Breathe

by GothicBarbie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bullying, Chaptered, College, Depression, Drowning, First Time, Gay Sex, Kissing, M/M, Sexual Tension, Tension, gay kissing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-28 13:54:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/992734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GothicBarbie/pseuds/GothicBarbie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everybody plays that game when they’re a kid. The one where you  see how long you can hold your breath before your face turns blue and you can feel all the oxygen leaving your body. Like the weight of the world is holding you down and you’re struggling just to stay afloat.</p><p>Like you can’t breathe.</p><p>Harry feels like that all the time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathe

Everybody plays that game when they’re a kid. The one where you see how long you can hold your breath before your face turns blue and you can feel all the oxygen leaving your body. Like the weight of the world is holding you down and you’re struggling just to stay afloat.

_Like you can’t breathe._

 

Harry feels like that all the time.

 

 

 

 

It’s a Tuesday. Harry only knows this because it’s written on the white board three feet in front him, along with the date.

 _October the 8 th_.

It’s the only indicator of time for Harry, which doesn’t mean a lot considering he drags his feet through life. Each day feels the same, nothing changing. He feels hopeless and alone and is counting down the minutes until he can go back to his bed, sleep away the hours and pretend that this day, like many others, never existed.

But time is moving impossibly slow and he fiddles with the pencil in his hand, occasionally doodling meaningless symbols over his notebook. If anyone got a good look at the things that he drew they would probably think he was strange.

It’s nothing new.

 

Liam Payne is standing in front of the class, giving a speech about funeral practices, which Harry thinks is somewhat ironic but he can barely hear the words droning from his mouth, he lost interest a long time ago;  not that it was ever there to begin with.

Harry could do without Liam Payne. He is one of _them_. Not exactly an enemy but certainly not a friend. The type of person whose name everyone knows. The type of person who everyone loves.

Harry thinks he’s boring. He goes through life with no hiccups, no problems, no issues.

He has no _life_ to him.

Harry may hate his own but at least he’s had experiences. They may have been horrific but they shaped him into _something_. Shaped him into the kind of person that can see clearly.

 

Liam Payne has no idea what it’s like to be thankful. What it’s like to be appreciative. He gets everything handed to him on a silver platter. He’s constantly showered with admiration and attention. He doesn’t know pain.

Harry’s allowed to make judgments about him. He’s known him since high school, since before then, even.  He’d always hated him.

And of course, because nothing ever goes right for Harry, his hatred followed him to college. Not intentionally, of course, Liam Payne probably didn’t even remember him. They’d never spoken.

Unless you counted that _one time_.

 

 

_One day in 10 th grade Harry had dropped all of his books to the ground and Liam had come bounding around the corner with a bunch of them, the others that he hated. They’d tried continuing on but Liam had stopped; he helped Harry with his things. He never even said a word, just smiled at him soft and sad, like he felt sorry for Harry, then continued on his way. _

But doing one nice thing doesn’t make you a nice person. Especially not with friends like that. Friends that made people’s lives miserable. Friends that bullied and tortured and put Harry through hell year after year. They were all assholes and as far as Harry was concerned Liam Payne was part of that group, even if he was the lesser of many evils.

 

Harry glances up from his notebook and Liam’s staring directly at him, as if he knew that Harry was thinking about him just moments before. Harry immediately looks away, feeling uncomfortable. He finishes his speech and takes a seat not nearly far enough away and then everyone’s clapping. The professor keeps talking. And then it’s over. Harry can finally go.

He’s the first one out the door.

 

\---

 

Harry doesn’t believe in karma. He doesn’t believe in the idea that your current actions determine your future. He’s tried to change fate before and it’s never gotten him what he’s wanted.

 

Harry thought it was bad enough that he had to share a class with Liam, but when the professor announces that they must work in partners for a new project he quickly realizes it’s going to get a lot worse.

Liam approaches him and insists that they work together. Harry has no other options. He doesn’t know anyone else in the class and people aren’t exactly jumping at the chance to work with him. But he can’t manage to form any words and looks in the other direction. Maybe if he gives Liam the cold shoulder he’ll  go away.

“We can work separately, and combine our work at the end… if that’s easier for you?” Liam says to him and Harry looks back. He’s actually smiling at Harry and it’s only making things worse.  Harry wants nothing to do with him but as he looks around the room he notices that every one else is partnered up already. He doesn’t have a choice.

“Fine.” Harry says quickly before he can take it back.

Technically Liam’s never been rude to him but it doesn’t matter. He’s an enemy by pure association.

 

Harry assigns them each different roles, barely giving Liam a chance to speak and when he’s done dictating what they are going to do Liam only smiles again and says “okay”. His voice is soft and controlled and he’s looking at Harry with a weird sort of kindness.

Harry hates him. He hates that he’s so _nice_. Hates that Liam’s making this so easy.

 

The bell finally rings and Harry is out of his seat in a second. He’d be out the door soon after that but then a voice is calling out to him and he finds himself turning around, even though he knows he should have kept walking.

“Hey, Harry? Do you mind staying for a minute and helping me with this?”

Harry’s eyes trail lower and Liam’s pulling out a text book. He places it on the desk and looks up at Harry with sad eyes.

“I know you probably have somewhere to be, but if you don’t I was hoping you could help me with this assignment that I have to do for my History class?”

Harry’s looking at him with confusion. Before today they never interacted and suddenly now they’re partners on a project and Liam’s actually asking him for help? He’s not sure what Liam’s agenda is, or if he even has one, but he doesn’t like it.

“What?” Harry says slowly, still trying to catch up.

“It’s just, I know you’re really smart and I could use the help?”

Harry _is_ really smart. Not the smartest in his class but he always got A’s and B’s in high school. Harry wonders how Liam could possibly know that. Sure, they went to high school together but it’s not like Liam had ever noticed him. He knew nothing about Harry’s life.

“I can’t stay.” Harry says bluntly. “I’ve gotta be at my next class in an hour and not everyone has a BMW that can take them from place to play like you do Liam.”

His comment comes out a little harsh but it slides right off of Liam’s back.

“Well… I could give you a ride?” Liam smiles again and Harry wants to throw up. It only seems to fuel Harry’s anger.

“I don’t need your charity.” Harry says again and turns around as quickly as he can before he has a chance to see Liam’s expression. He’s being excessively rude but he doesn’t have time for this shit.

As he walks out the door he tries not to think about stupid Liam and his stupid sad eyes and this stupid project. Working with him for the next few weeks is going to be torture.

 

If karma exists then surely Harry had to have done something _really awful_ to deserve this.

 

\--

 

Harry manages to keep his distance as best he can, only having to see Liam during school hours. Liam’s always working quietly next to him, keeping his mouth shut for the most part but often glancing in Harry’s direction as if he’s waiting for him to say something. But Harry never does. Just because they are partners on this project doesn’t suddenly make them friends and Harry wants to make sure that’s clear.

Unfortunately, the final part of their project requires a presentation and they simply don’t have enough time to get everything finished in the short moments during and after class, which means that Harry is going to have to meet with Liam outside of school to finish it.

He’s not happy about it but there’s no use trying to get around it. Maybe if he didn’t care so much about his grades he would just fail the assignment but if there’s one thing that Harry has going for him, its his good grades and he’s determined to do well on this project, Liam Payne or no Liam Payne.

 

There is no way in hell that Harry is going to let Liam know where he lives, so they make plans to meet at Liam’s dorm the following weekend.

Harry downs a few drinks to ease some of the tension that he’s feeling. He has no reason not to trust Liam him but he can’t help but feel anxious whenever he so much as hears his name. Being alone with him in his dorm is not something that Harry is looking forward to.

When he gets there Liam opens the door quickly and he’s already smiling and welcoming Harry in. Of course, he has one of the nicest rooms on campus and doesn’t have a roommate. Harry rolls his eyes immediately and feels like screaming. Everything about Liam is just so perfect. Harry wishes he could do something to unravel him.

 

Harry tries to hurry and get his work finished quickly but the alcohol in his system is slowing him down a bit and it’s getting harder to focus as the night goes on. Liam keeps attempting to talk to him but Harry manages to brush him off, giving short answers and keeping his head down.  After a while he can hear a book close and he looks up to see Liam just staring at him, book at his side and gaze entirely focused on Harry.

“What’s going on with you?” Liam asks quietly and Harry only shrugs, as if he doesn’t know what Liam’s talking about. “I know you’ve always been quiet but sometimes I feel like you hate me or something.”

Harry wants to reply that he DOES hate Liam, but he knows that Liam wouldn’t understand his reasoning and it’s not something he really wants to get into right now. And what exactly does he mean when he says that Harry’s _always_ been quiet? As if he ever paid attention to Harry in the past.

“You didn’t exactly make an attempt to talk to me in high school did you? So don’t pretend like you know me.”  Harry says after a while and when he looks at Liam, who is just staring with his big brown eyes. He looks sad. Harry hates that look. It’s the one that says, _I pity you_ , and Harry can’t stand it.  “Don’t look at me like that.”  Harry spits out.

“Like what?” Liam asks softly.

“Like you feel bad for me.” Harry replies immediately, looking back down and trying to get back to work.

It’s quiet for another moment and then Liam’s responding.

“That’s not what I feel.”

It’s the way he says it. It makes Harry’s stomach drop. Liam actually sounds sincere and Harry looks up to see Liam just staring at him. Liam’s eyes are shifting back and forth and they are glowing and bright and ridiculously pretty.

Harry immediately wills the thought away. He cannot allow himself to think these things.

Harry blames the alcohol.

“Whatever.” Harry slurs, rubbing his eyes gently and trying to focus. He can see Liam’s gaze stuck in his direction which is distracting and he just wants to get up and run.

“Have you been drinking?” Liam asks suddenly, curiosity in his voice.

“Why?” Harry asks.

“You’re fidgety. And slurring a bit.” Liam says and Harry is seething. There’s an ounce of judgment in his voice, as if he doesn’t approve and it makes Harry’s blood boil. Who is Liam to judge him?

He’s dying to piss Liam off, to do something to shock him… get him to drop this nice guy act that he insists on playing.

The alcohol is giving Harry courage and before he can even think about what he’s doing he lunges forward, grabbing Liam by the neck and yanking their faces together. He forces his lips roughly onto Liam’s mouth and just kisses him, holding him in place.

Liam’s lips are soft and they feel nice between Harry’s but when Liam makes a small whimper in the back of his throat it pulls Harry back to reality.

He’s wants to throw Liam off his game. He wants Liam to show his true colors. He wants to give Liam a reason to hate him again so Harry’s own hate for Liam will be justified.

Harry’s just waiting for Liam to push him away, shove him hard enough to bruise. But it doesn’t happen. Liam actually places his hand on Harry’s chest lightly and pulls his face away slowly. Harry opens his eyes to see that Liam’s are still closed. And then a second later he’s standing from the bed.

“You shouldn’t do that.” He says quietly, his back to Harry. He turns around briefly and he looks absolutely distraught.

Harry smirks to himself.

Any second now it’s going to happen. He’s gonna flip out and yell at Harry to leave.

Harry waits. But Liam is just standing on the other side of the room, looking upset.

Harry is glad that he accomplished some sort of reaction but it’s not exactly the one he was hoping for. He expected Liam to get mad. To yell. To call him names. To tell Harry they are done and to get out.

“Are you gonna say anything?” Harry asks, his voice cold as he stands.

“We’ll talk about it later…” Liam says, brushing it off. “We can practice the speech before class tomorrow yeah?”

Liam refuses to look him in the eye and Harry only shakes his head. Why isn’t Liam more upset? Why isn’t he being rude? Harry doesn’t get it, and he’s left more confused by Liam then he was before. He’s getting under Harry’s skin more by the second and he knows he has to get out of here before he explodes.

“You’re useless.” Harry sneers over his shoulder before walking out the door, not even attempting to look at Liam’s reaction before he does.

 

\--

 

Harry would never admit it if anyone if they asked, but the next day he’s actually nervous to see Liam. Now that he’s sober he feels a little ridiculous over his actions from the night before and just hopes they can get through the project without too much awkwardness. He’s walking into the lecture hall and Liam’s already there; things for their project splayed out on their desks and ready to be presented.

He wonders how Liam is going to react to him today. He’ll probably tell Harry that they should get this project over with so they don’t have to see each other again. Or maybe he won’t say anything to Harry at all.

But Liam actually fucking smiles at him when he walks in the door and Harry almost has to glance behind to see if Liam is looking at someone else.

“Hey!” Liam says almost too enthusiastically. “You ready?”

Then he’s smiling again; the dimple in his cheek is staring Harry right in the face and its distracting. How has Harry never noticed it before?

Harry doesn’t say much of anything. They don’t speak about the night before. It’s all very strange and Harry can’t figure out why Liam is acting like things are perfectly fine. He’s actually being nice to Harry and it pisses Harry off. How can Liam be so kind after the things that Harry said to him? After Harry kissed him? Harry can’t figure him out and it frustrates the hell out of him, but he tries his hardest to focus on their project.

Despite the weirdness between them, they are able to present to the class and things go extremely smooth, Harry would be surprised if they didn’t get an A on their project.

Once its complete they head back to their seats and Harry feels a hand slapped to his back.

“Congrats, we did great!” Liam is all smiles.

Harry tries his hardest not to say anything but his frustration is getting to him and he finds himself snapping yet again.

“Look, the project is over okay? Which means we don’t have to talk anymore. You don’t have to pretend to like me.”

He’s expecting for Liam to look offended, or hurt, or something, but his expression is completely neutral… as if he didn’t hear a word that Harry had said.

Harry sighs loudly and turns to face forward.

He’s not sure how much more of this he can take.

 

\--

 

Harry assumes after that that things will go back to normal. He can finally go back to being invisible.

But Liam is relentless and he won’t leave Harry alone. He sits next to him class. He tries to make conversation and constantly smiles over at him. He holds the door open for Harry on the way out. Harry tries his best to ignore it. He hopes that if he doesn’t acknowledge Liam that he will eventually give up and go away.

Harry’s not really sure what his intentions are, or why he’s acting so nice, especially when Harry’s done nothing but treat him like crap, but he doesn’t care. He just wants Liam out of his head and out of his life.

After a week of it Harry finally cracks.

“Can’t you just sit somewhere else?” He snaps at Liam, trying his hardest to give him the deepest glare he can manage. Liam stares back, looks down at his hands for a brief minute before looking back up and holding Harry’s gaze.

“No.” He says firmly.

No?

It’s not the first time that Liam’s shocked him and it probably won’t be the last.

“No?” Harry repeats. “Why? Why are you being so nice to me?”

So much for attempting to ignore him.

“Maybe you intrigue me.” Liam says back with a smile and there’s something behind those eyes. Something that Harry can’t read. It’s almost like Liam is flirting with him. But the idea is absurd and Harry forces the thought away. When he’d first discovered Liam was in his class he’d never believed things would turn out this way.

Harry bolts out of the room as quickly as he can manage. He needs to get as far away from Liam as possible, before his brain starts allowing him to think about things that he shouldn’t be thinking about.

But he barely manages to get out the door before he figures out that Liam is right behind him.

“Why are you following me?” Harry says a little too loudly, turning around to face Liam. “What the hell do you want?”

For the first time Liam doesn’t have that stupid smirk on his face and he’s actually looking at Harry with genuine concern.

“I just want to be your friend. Why can’t you let me?” He says quietly.

Harry doesn’t understand. It makes no sense for Liam to suddenly want to be friends with him; unless of course, he feels bad for him.

“Look, I don’t want any friends, okay? I’m perfectly fine on my own. I don’t need your pity.”

“It’s not pity!” Liam interjects, his hands thrown out to the side in exasperation.

“Then what is it?” Harry demands.

Liam shakes his head, like he’s searching for the right answer. “I’m just trying to be nice? Is that so hard to believe?”

“Yes.” Harry says instantly.

Liam looks at him, confusion plastered on his face. He probably doesn’t deserve an explanation but Harry might as well give him one.

“You never were before.”

Harry can see Liam swallow, like maybe he knows that Harry is right but he disputes anyway, “That’s not  true.”

“Yes it is.” Harry continues. “We never even spoke in high school, Liam.”

Liam sighs. He knows it’s true.

“Yeah, I guess. But I was never mean to you either so I don’t understand why you hate me so much.” He says quietly.

 

For the first time Harry genuinely feels bad. Liam actually sounds hurt.

But then he remembers all of the people that Liam associated with in high school and it’s a lot easier to keep the anger nearby.

“It’s not that I hate you, okay?” Harry says, not sure anymore how he feels. “I just have no interest in getting to know you. We don’t know anything about each other.” He says calmly, hoping that Liam will finally understand and let him be.

“I know. And I feel bad about that now.” Liam takes a step closer and Harry’s instincts are telling him to move away but he doesn’t. “I should have… tried more in high school. But I’m trying _now_.”

He should just accept Liam’s friendship. After all, he’s been nothing but nice to him since this year has started but Harry just can’t find the nerve. Harry’s anger is fading slowly the longer he’s around Liam, but he still can’t just forget everything that happened in the past.

“Being friends now isn’t going to make up for what your friends did to me.”

Then Liam’s shaking his head and moving even closer, clearly confused. “What do you mean? What did they do to you?”

Harry can tell that he means the words coming out of his mouth. Is it really possible that he had no idea? Harry wants to believe him but he just isn’t sure. His trust has been broken too many times.

“Never mind. Just forget it, yeah?” Harry says as firmly as he can and turns around. He’s needs to get out of here. He needs to think.

“If you don’t want anything to do with me, then why’d you kiss me?”

He’s at the end of the hall and Liam’s practically yelling. Other students turn to look and Harry wants to run up to him and cover his mouth. Does he even realize where he is? Does he even care that people are staring?

Harry turns around, but doesn’t say a word. Just looks at Liam like he’s completely crazy.

Then Liam’s walking up him and asking again, possibly even louder this time like he doesn’t care at all who is listening to them. “Why’d you kiss me, Harry?”

Harry’s fuming. He’s never made an attempt to hide his sexuality before, but he doesn’t exactly want the whole world to know all the personal details of his life.

“Fuck you.” Harry says quietly. It’s a stupid response but he hopes it’ll shut Liam up. He should just tell Liam the truth, that he only kissed him to get a rise out of him. But he doesn’t want to give Liam the satisfaction of knowing how much he’s getting to Harry.

Liam glances down at his lips for a second, clearly insinuating something and then returns his gaze back upwards. “Okay...” He smirks. “If you want.”

 Harry cannot believe what he’s hearing and seeing. Liam has a lot more balls then he ever gave him credit for. And is he actually implying what Harry thinks he is?

“You’re so full of shit.” Harry spits out.

“Am I?” Liam asks again, quirking his eyebrow up suggestively. “If it’ll get you to loosen up a bit maybe it’s not a bad idea…”

Harry can’t even stand to look at him anymore and turns away for a second to gather his thoughts.

“I know you don’t mean that.” Harry says finally, turning around to face Liam again.

“Why wouldn’t I?” He says simply.

Harry chuckles under his breath.

“Sophia Smith.”

Liam takes a breath and Harry tries not to smirk. Sophia was Liam’s longtime girlfriend from high school.

“Everyone knows you’re as straight as a board, Liam.” Harry says firmly.

Liam just laughs before looking down at the floor. “Yeah, well… a lot of things have changed since then.”

He finally looks back up and Harry can feel the sincerity in his voice. He’s absolutely baffled. A small part of Harry wonders if this is all a test… an act of some sort. But he doesn’t know what Liam would have to gain from this. Could he really be telling the truth? Is Liam really saying that he’s into guys?

Harry walks back right up to Liam, only stopping when he’s inches in front of his face.

“So you wanna fuck me but you don’t want to kiss me?”

Liam’s looking at him with an expression that Harry cant decipher and it eggs Harry on.

“If you’re really interested then why didn’t you do something when you had the chance?”

Liam shakes his head, answering quickly, “You were drinking. I didn’t want to take advantage of you.”

“Fuck you.” Harry says again, turning away. Liam didn’t want to take advantage of him? Why is he pretending like he’s such a nice guy? He flirts and then dismisses him. Harry’s sick of the hot and cold. “I have no interest in you.” Harry says harshly as he continues to walk away.

It’s not entirely true. Liam is absolutely beautiful, as much as Harry hates to admit it. He’d be lying if he said he’d never thought about it before. But Liam doesn’t need to know that.

He forces himself not to look back as he walks away. He doesn’t know where Liam’s head is at or what his agenda is but this has to stop. There’s no way Harry is going to allow himself to get sucked into this.

 

Harry’s two seconds away from drifting off to sleep when he hears a light tapping on his bedroom door. He sneaks a glance over at the clock at his bedside table to see that it’s only 10 pm. It’s still fairly early for a college student to go to sleep, but it’s not like Harry has anything better to do on a Saturday night.

He attempts to ignore the knocking; hoping that whoever it is will go away. It’s probably just one of his roommate Nick’s friends, and considering that Nick isn’t here (and rarely ever is- one of the main reasons Harry actually doesn’t mind rooming with him) he hopes that whoever it is will just give up.

But it doesn’t stop, in fact, it gets louder and Harry eventually wills himself to get out of bed and answer it. He opens the door in a rush, planning to quickly tell the person to leave him alone but before he even gets a chance to so much as blink he feels someone pushing past him.

“What the fuck?” Harry says loudly as he watches a familiar figure enter his room. “Liam, what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you” Liam says calmly, his arms crossed in front of him as if he’s waiting for Harry’s permission to continue speaking.

Harry doesn’t bother asking what he wants to talk about and instead asks, “how did you know where to find me?”

“I got the address out of someone.” Liam says quietly. Harry can see that he’s fidgeting a little and he wonders what’s gotten into him. He dismisses attempting to ask who told Liam that information and instead just stares, waiting for Liam to continue.

When Liam realizes that Harry is finished speaking he uncrosses his arms, loosely hanging them at his sides.

“I want to take you out.”

Harry almost chokes on the words as they tumble out of Liam’s mouth.

“What?” He asks, surprised. “Like, on a date?”

“Yeah.” Liam says softly and Harry can’t believe his ears. Is this guy for real?

“I told you,” Harry articulates slowly so that Liam will understand, “I’m not interested in you.”

For a split second Liam looks hurt but then he’s compelling forward, standing right in front of Harry who’s now stuck in place.

“I don’t believe you.”

Harry glares back at Liam, attempting to intimidate him a little. He’s barely taller but he’s going to use the half inch to his advantage. “Why?” He spits out. “because you just automatically assume that everyone loves you?”

“No.” Liam answers. Then he smirks, “just you.”

Harry actually laughs out loud at that, hoping to throw Liam off.

“That’s rich Liam, you should be a comedian.”

He can’t believe the nerve of this guy, coming here and accusing Harry of such things when he’s made it more than clear that he wants nothing to do with him.

“You know what I think?” Liam says again, waiting for Harry to make eye contact. Harry doesn’t want to know what he’s about to say but he’s not even given a chance to respond before Liam is continuing. “I think you’re mean to me because you just don’t want to admit the truth... that you’re into me.”

“Whatever.” Harry says quickly, trying to dismiss such an absurd accusation. “How do you know I’m even into guys? Just because there were rumors in high school doesn’t mean they are true.”

Liam purses his lips, thinking for a moment. After a small pause he’s speaking again, “they weren’t rumors were they?”

There’s actual sincerity in his voice, like he doesn’t want to offend Harry but he wants the truth. Even though Harry wants to refute his words he can’t find himself able to lie.

“Even if they were true, that doesn’t mean that I am interested in _you_.”

Harry isn’t sure how many times he has to say it before Liam will start believing him, but apparently more than he already has because once again Liam is smiling at Harry, making it clear he doesn’t trust a word he’s saying.

“Yes it does.”

Harry sighs. There’s no getting through to him.

“How are you so sure?” Harry challenges.

“Because you’re trying way too hard to push me away.”

His words hit something inside of Harry and he realizes that what Liam is saying may actually be true. Not that he would ever admit it. Liam gets under his skin, maybe he always has, but maybe it’s for different reasons than he always thought.

“And…” Liam continues, “I see the way you look at me when you think I’m not watching.”

Fuck.

The last thing Harry wants is to admit that Liam may be right. All he can do is look away, hope that Liam will just give up.

“You’re not drunk now are you?” Liam asks quietly and Harry looks back, shaking his head.

“What? No, I’m…”

But then Liam’s cutting him off, leaning into him so quickly that Harry doesn’t even see it coming.

He feels Liam’s lips on his again, the familiar press of softness pushing against his own and he tries to resist, yanking his head backwards.

But Liam is quicker than he expects and he’s already pulling Harry back in, hands gripping roughly behind Harry’s neck.

Seconds later he can feel his back hitting the door, he can hear it slam shut behind him and he attempts once again to push Liam away by placing his hands on his chest. But Liam is a lot stronger than even Harry realizes and Liam barely budges at the contact, only moving his lips away from Harry’s enough so that he can whisper, “you kissed me first, remember?”

Harry’s not exactly what he’s trying to say, that Harry had made the first move weeks ago so surely he wants this?

It fuels Harry and he pushes against Liam harder this time, actually managing to create a little bit of space between them.

But Liam’s not backing off, instead he takes a step back in, leaning in extremely slow this time as if he’s giving Harry the chance to stop him. But Harry doesn’t move, he only watches as Liam’s face gets closer to his own. Liam kisses him softly then, just a peck this time and pulls back, eyes staring right into Harrys as he waits for him to do something.

And before Harry can even think about what he’s doing he’s pulling Liam back in forcefully, attacking his lips with his own and shoving his tongue inside. He pushes up and off from the door and manages to spin both of them around, roughly pressing Liam back into the spot where he just was.

It feels so good, kissing Liam like this, lips pressed tightly together and tongues brushing against each other’s messily. But something in the back of Harry’s mind is still picking at him and it isn’t long before his brain kicks into gear and he realizes what he’s doing.

He gets his hands on either side of Liam’s head, pushing himself back and away suddenly, turning around so that he doesn’t have to look at him.

“I only kissed you because I was trying to piss you off!” He yells out over his shoulder. “Your friends tortured me in high school Liam, I can’t just forget that.”

Liam’s breathing heavily against the door, still trying to catch his breath, and he finally stands completely strait, looking right at Harry.  “What?” He asks.

“Yeah, maybe I’m attracted to you, but it doesn’t matter.” Harry continues, finally releasing everything he’s been wanting to say for the last month. “I would never date someone like you.”

He sighs deeply, staring at Liam with a fire in his eyes and Liam attempts to walk closer, shaking his head. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play dumb!” Harry yells, not wanting to believe that Liam had no part in it. “They were your best friends, how could you not know?”

“Know what?” Liam asks again. “What did they do to you Harry?”

He attempts to reach out, his fingers brushing Harry’s arm briefly but Harry’s ripping it away. He refuses to answer.

“Come on, tell me?” Liam sounds so sincere and it’s making Harry’s heart hurt. Could he really not have known? It’s all so confusing and Harry isn’t sure what to believe but he doesn’t think he can take the chance. If Liam is somehow playing him, he cannot give in.

“Please leave.” Harry says quietly, finally calming himself down and trying to ignore the hurt expression on Liam’s face.

Liam just stands there for a minute, taking in Harry’s words before nodding slowly. “Okay.” He says quietly, turning around and twisting the door handle. He gets it open and then turns to face Harry. “But I’m not gonna give up you, Harry. I know there’s something here. You kissed me back.”

He says the last line with a small smile and it makes Harry feel even guiltier. If Liam really is telling the truth, then Harry’s pushing away someone that may actually really care about him.

“But just so you know…” Liam continues, poking his head back in once he’s almost all the way out the door, “I promise I never knew that they did anything to you. And whatever it was… I’m really sorry.” He smiles weakly. “If it’s any consolation… they were jerks. I realized it too late. But they aren’t my friends anymore.”

Then Liam’s gone and Harry finally allows himself to smile softly. There’s something about Liam that makes Harry want to trust him. And maybe someday he’ll be able to.

Harry cannot believe his life.

 

The following Monday in class Harry enters the room unsure of exactly how Liam is going to react to him after their previous conversation. But Liam can barely make eye contact as Harry sits and remains quiet the remainder of the class period. Harry looks over at him a few times and he can’t help but notice how fidgety Liam is acting, constantly tapping his pencil or foot and shifting around a lot in his seat. He looks nervous and it isn’t until the bell rings that Harry discovers why.

“Go out with me.” Liam says loudly as students prepare to leave the room, Harry still gathering up his things.

Liam’s staring at him with big brown puppy dog eyes and Harry wants to say yes, but he still isn’t sure.

“Why are you persistent?” He asks instead. “I mean, you barely knew me in high school… you barely know me now… so why?”

“I dunno…” Liam shrugs, smiling slightly. “You impressed me.”

Harry doesn’t know how to react to that. He wants to ask Liam to be more specific but decides against it.

“And I did know you in high school.” Liam finishes quietly.

Again, Harry wants to ask him what he means but before he has a chance to say anything a skinny blonde girl is interrupting and standing right in front of Liam.

Harry watches at Liam smiles at her, wondering how they know each other. The girl is clearly into Liam… if the way she is staring and batting her eyes is anything to go by.

Harry shouldn’t be annoyed by her obvious attempts to flirt with Liam, but something inside of him feels hot and he suddenly stands, deciding to get this things and go before he’s forced to watch any more of this.

As he finishes zipping up his bag he can hear the girl, Taylor, he thinks her name is, asking Liam out.

“Actually…” Liam says sheepishly, sneaking a glance over at Harry who barely catches it. “I’m already in a relationship.”

The girl suddenly turns to look at Harry and he’s frozen in place, suddenly feeling embarrassed over what Liam is implying.

“Oh…” She says quietly, and Harry can see that her face looks red and flushed, and she mutters a quick sorry before turning away.

“What the hell was that?” Harry asks loudly but Liam only shrugs at him and it angers Harry further.

Harry’s barely agreed to go out with Liam and he’s already telling people that they are _together?_ Harry cannot believe his arrogance, like Harry is just _itching_ to go out with him or something? And even if he had agreed he doesn’t want the entire class knowing about it.

Harry barely gives Liam a chance to stand before he’s grabbing his things and racing out the door.

He’s had enough of this shit.

 

 --

 

 

“Harry! Wait!” Liam yells out as Harry rounds the corner. But he’s not stopping this time. He’s not gonna hear Liam out. He’s not exactly sure why he’s so mad. Maybe he’s just used to hiding away from his feelings when things get too complicated but he knows that he’s only trying to protect himself and it wills him to continue moving forward.

Then he feels a hand on his arm and Liam’s pulling him back, preventing him from getting much further.

“We are not together Liam!” Harry finds himself bursting out, surprising even himself. “Is that what you were insinuating to that girl back there?”

He isn’t sure why he’s even attempting to have this conversation. He should just keep walking and never look back. But something unexplainable is keeping him in place.

“Yes.” Liam says quietly. Finally releasing Harry from his grip.

“Why would you do that?” Harry asks firmly this time.

Liam takes a breath, looks away for a brief second before turning back to Harry, “because I’m not gonna give up on you.”

It’s all just too much. Liam barely knows him and the sincerity in his voice and the fondness in his eyes is confusing and overwhelming and Harry cannot deal with it.

“You mean _nothing_ to me.” Harry says coldly. And for a small moment Liam actually looks hurt. Harry’s not sure how he’s going to react or what he’s going to say this time but he hopes maybe now Liam will finally give up on him. They aren’t meant to be in each other’s lives.

But Liam doesn’t turn away.

“I’m okay with that…” and then Liam actually smiles, “for now.”

He’s so fucking charming, Harry almost can’t stand it.  And the longer he stands here looking at Liam he wonders how he’s managed to resist up until now. It would be so easy to just give in to Liam and try to be happy but Harry has too much pride. He’s built up so many walls for years. And he’s not sure how to not be alone.

“I have to go.” Harry says instead, because he’s not sure what else he can say. There doesn’t seem to be any getting through to Liam.

“Just, think about it!” Liam yells to him as Harry rounds the corner.

If only Liam knew… that’s all he’s been doing.

 

 

 

“I don’t want you to win.” Liam says to Harry the next day and Harry glances up from his notebook quickly. He’s not sure what Liam means and he gives him a confused look.

The professor is in the middle of a lecture and Harry thinks it’s probably not the best time to have a conversation but Harry’s curious and he shakes his head at Liam, silently asking _what_?

“You asked once, why I was nice to you.” Liam’s voice is even as he speaks and his gaze is intent on Harry.  “I don’t want you win.” He repeats.

Harry still isn’t sure what he means and again he looks at Liam curiously, still not saying a word.

“If I got mad at you, or fed into your…. _obsession_ with being angry with me, it would only fuel you to pull farther away.” Liam’s whispering now, trying hard not to disrupt the lecture. “Maybe in the past your relationships have worked that way but it’s not gonna work with me. There’s nothing you can do to push me away, Harry.”

Harry’s in absolute shock. He still doesn’t understand what Liam sees in him or why he cares. Maybe Harry should just stop fighting things and give in to what he wants? Or what he thinks he _may possibly_ want.  It would probably be a lot easier then constantly trying to evade him.

Harry looks away instead, not bothering with a response. He doesn’t know what to say anyway.

“What happened to you?” Liam’s speaking again, leaning in closer. “To make you like this?”

Harry knows the answer but again, he doesn’t know how to respond. The professor finally finishes speaking and tells his students to break off into groups. Harry wishes he knew what the assignment was, but it’s safe to safe he stopped paying attention long ago.

“You think I don’t remember you… but I do.” Liam says louder than before, actually moving his desk so that he’s facing Harry. “Up until year 10 you were happy and friendly and everyone wanted to know you. Including me. And then the summer before year 11 everything changed. You came back to school and you were completely different. You got distant and cold. You weren’t social anymore.”

Harry wants to ask how Liam even noticed but that’s not important right now.

“What happened to you?” Liam asks again.

_Instantly Harry’s being pulled into memories from the past. They fill into his mind and remind him of the day he’s long since tried to forget._

_He enters his house, clothes soaking wet, shoes dirty and ragged from walking the 5 miles back, and he slams the door shut with a bang. The look on his parents face when he enters the room is one that he will never forget. It’s  the exact moment that everything changed._

_From that moment forward, he would never let anyone look at him like that again._

 

“You know what Liam?” Harry snaps, finally pulling back to reality. “I don’t have to explain anything to you… but did you ever think that maybe this is just who I am now? That it’s not some façade or act and that maybe I just grew up?”

Liam’s expression is impossible to read, which makes this a lot easier for Harry to say.

“You said yourself that things can change. So… maybe that’s what I did.”

“I don’t believe you.” Liam interrupts.

The firmness in his tone is frustrating, as if he knows what Harry’s really feeling.

“Nobody is this… sad… or this closed off to everyone around them.”

Harry doesn’t like how close Liam is getting, and he doesn’t mean that literally. He hates that Liam is questioning him, that Liam is constantly trying to figure him out. It’s like he’s trying to “fix” Harry.

But Harry made a promise to himself long ago that he didn’t need anybody. He never has, and today isn’t going to be any different.

“You may not believe me, but you’re going to have to.” Harry tries to say as calmly as he can manage so that he doesn’t lose his temper and say something he’ll later regret. “You know… maybe I got you wrong. Maybe you are a nice person, and nothing like your old friends….”

Harry doesn’t like Liam’s expression now. It’s almost too hopeful. It’s making things difficult.

“But if that’s true, if you really are this great guy that you appear to be… then you’ll do what I keep asking you to do....”

Liam looks sad and Harry can’t stand to look at him anymore.

“You’ll leave me alone.” He finishes. Turning away.

Harry tries to remind himself how to breathe when Liam actually listens to what he’s asked and scoots his desk back to where it was, finally turning his back on Harry. Harry immediately regrets what he’s asked for. The loss of Liam at his side feels like a crushing weight on his chest and he wonders if his request was a mistake.

It’s in Harry’s nature to push people away, stop them from getting too close. It’s Harry’s surefire way of preventing himself from being hurt.

The bell rings and students filter out the doors of the lecture hall. Harry resists watching Liam leave and instead reaches for his books, secretly hoping somewhere that Liam won’t take his advice and will be holding the door open for him like he has many times in the past.

But when he looks up, Liam is long gone.

 

\--

 

A week goes by and Harry’s depression is growing by the day. He’s really starting to feel the loss of Liam in his life and he hates that he let himself get so attached to someone that he never thought he would even think twice about.

Even though he wants to hate Liam for turning his back on him, he has no right… this is what he asked for. And he should be appreciative of the fact that Liam actually listened to him and is respecting his wishes.

But it doesn’t stop Harry from thinking about him.

Liam doesn’t open doors for him anymore. He also doesn’t wait for him after class. He doesn’t smile at him with that ridiculously gorgeous smile and try to make jokes and get Harry to loosen up. But it pains Harry the most that Liam won’t even sit by him anymore. When the class needs to partner up, Liam’s no longer rushing to his side. Once again Harry is all alone.

Every time he sneaks a glance across to room and manages to make even the slightest contact with him his heart feels like it’s going to burst out of its chest. And he knows that all of this is his own fault.

Not so long ago, Harry thought he was comfortable being alone, but now he’s not so sure.

 

\--

 

Harry knows it’s Liam at his door before he even hears the knocking. No one else has ever come to visit Harry, especially this late, and considering his roommate is never around, clearly it’s not going to be someone for him.

The pit in Harry’s stomach deepens and for a moment he wonders whether or not he should even answer. He doesn’t have a clue what Liam could possibly want from him anymore, but he would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t curious.

Harry opens the door quickly and just like the last time Liam pushes his way through without even being invited in. But this time Harry’s barely protesting and Liam turns to him, speaking quickly.

“I know you said you wanted me to leave you alone, and I tried… but I can’t do it.”

Harry tries his hardest not to smile, he doesn’t want Liam to see how happy he feels. Liam’s proven more than once that he’s trustworthy but Harry still can’t seem to let go that easily.

“Regardless of anything else, I still want to be your friend… please?” Liam begs and Harry can barely stand looking at him. He looks so desperate for his friendship.

Harry gently nods but it’s almost like Liam didn’t understand what he was saying because he continues with his rant, “I saw you in class today. I saw how alone you were. I know that you refuse to get close to people. But I also know that’s not who you really are.”

In a way Harry hates that Liam knows so much about him, and he’s only known him for such a short time. He hates that Liam can read him like a book. But he also appreciates it, appreciates that Liam can get him to open up. And as much as he hates to admit it, Liam is right about him. He doesn’t want to be alone anymore.

“What do you want Liam?” Harry says quietly. He’s pretty sure that he already knows but he needs Liam to say it.

“You.”

Everything’s becoming so overwhelming and he can’t stand the way that Liam is looking at him. He said he wanted to be friends, but then admits something like this and it’s confusing to Harry. He wants to say yes, but he doesn’t know how. He’s pushed Liam away for so long, and part of him is starting to believe that _he_ doesn’t deserve Liam.

“You can’t have me.” Harry says quietly and turns around, hand reaching out for his bed frame to steady himself.

“Please, Harry.” Liam whispers, and Harry can feel him close behind him, his breathe tingling at the back of Harry’s neck. “Just give me a chance?”

Harry takes a breathe and then Liam’s moving even closer and Harry can feel his lips brushing against the back of his neck. Liam places a kiss to his skin softly, and then Harry can feel a hand on his shoulder, fingertips digging in. The pressure feels good and Harry closes his eyes, still not muttering a single word.

“Please?” Liam whispers again as he places more kisses to the back of Harry’s neck, his grip on his shoulder tightening.

“You don’t even have to say anything.” Liam mutters between kisses. He makes his way further over, until his lips find Harry’s collar. Harry turns his head slightly to watch and the second that that he does Liam moves up and pushes into him, finally kissing him on the lips.

It feels so good to be kissing Liam again, so Harry just goes with it, lets Liam take control as he feels himself being pushes backwards and onto his own bed. Liam crowds over him, his knees straddling Harry’s hips as he continues to kiss him, working his tongue into Harry’s mouth slowly but deliberately.

Harry still cannot believe that he’s actually here with Liam, doing this. He can’t believe what has come of his life, but for the first time in a long time he feels genuinely happy. Liam makes things so easy for him, and he knows that they are both feeling the same thing, even if he’s not able to open up and just say the words.

The kissing intensifies and it’s not long before Harry can feel Liam’s hand trailing downwards, snaking between their bodies and cupping him. Kissing Liam was enough of a turn on, but now it’s impossible to hide his arousal.

“I knew you wanted me too.” Liam whispers seductively into his ear and Harry instinctively bucks up into his hand, trying to get more friction.

Then Liam’s moving his hand upwards and tugging up Harry’s shirt. Harry ties not to flinch when he can feel Liam’s fingers brushing against his skin. They move lower and lower, gently stroking the hair at the botton of Harry’s stomach before Liam finally shoves his hand down into Harry’s jeans, gripping his cock and stroking.

Harry moans into his touch, letting his fingers twist into Liam’s hair and tugging. Harry’s never been this intimate with anyone before and he’s amazed at how amazing it all feels. He’s thankful that Liam is taking control of things and he has no intentions of stopping it anytime soon.

Eventually they manage to get each other’s clothes off and from that point there’s no use trying to stop things. It might be fast but it feels right and for once in his life Harry decides to just stop thinking and go with what his heart is telling him.

When Liam finally enters him its painful and strange but it also feels amazing and Harry knows from the way that Liam is staring down at him, the way that his eyes crinkle when he smiles, that he genuinely cares about Harry and that this isn’t a one time thing.

Later that night, Liam holds Harry close to his chest, like he doesn’t want Harry to go anywhere and Harry is happy to oblige. He still hasn’t really said much, but Liam knows how he feels.

“Why do you like me so much?” He asks eventually, and he turns his head slightly in Liam’s direction. Liam doesn’t even open his eyes, just shakes his head subtly. “Just do.”

Harry has to laugh a little bit, his response is so vague, but he finds it cute too.

“You’re different.” Liam surprises him by speaking, finally opening his eyes and shifting the slightest bit so that he’s propped up on his elbow, looking directly at Harry as he speaks. “Ever since high school I’ve known it. I always thought you were smart…. and beautiful as hell, even though I didn’t really realize the extent of what I was feeling at the time.”

Harry wants to stop him, to ask more questions, but he knows that Liam isn’t finished speaking.

“I saw the walls you put up. I saw how you pushed everyone away. I saw how angry you were. I wanted to know you, but I didn’t know how. When I saw you in class that day… I dunno, I just… I wanted to unravel you.”

Harry chuckles at that, because part of him wanted to do the exact same thing to Liam. And the idea that Liam has been watching him and analyzing him all this time, touches something inside of Harry.

“I can’t tell you what happened to me.” Harry says suddenly. “I will, someday… maybe soon. But not today.”

Liam only smiles at him, “I’m used to waiting for you.”

Suddenly Harry can’t stand the little bit of distance between them and he leans in, capturing Liam in a kiss. He hopes that Liam understands exactly what the kiss means to him.

It’ll take a long time for Harry to move past all of his issues and truly trust someone again, but with Liam, he believes anything is possible.

_With Liam, he can see himself resurfacing._


End file.
